Mike Miles Clarifies $10,000 Charity Donation Was At Wife’s Request and “Will Not Happen Again”

HISD superintendent Mike Miles’ recent donation of $10,000 to the Breast Cancer Research Foundation turned heads last month, with many former non-supporters changing their viewpoints. Alex Grigoriadis, a writer for the HISD Chronicles, stated: “Maybe I misjudged the guy. I was kind of quick to jump on the ‘Mike Miles bad’ bandwagon.”

This sentiment was reflected among like-minded individuals, leading many to publicly apologize for their previous opinions and come out in support of Miles’ contributions to cancer research. Fortunately, Miles was quick to clear up the misunderstanding. “I want to nip this whole thing in the bud,” Miles stated in a press conference last Friday. “I’m hearing lots of people say that I’m ‘generous’ and ‘doing a service to the community.’ No. First of all, I didn’t even want to do this. My wife said that secretly holding thousands of dollars in a Swiss bank account was immoral, and that I should donate some to charity. It was her birthday present, for the next five years. Greedy little jerk.” Miles continued to explain that his money is his property, and that he didn’t care about what legislation said on the matter.

“Second of all,” Miles continued after his tirade. “This is strictly a one-time deal. I’ve already taken that leech Karen off the property title, bank account, and my will. She won’t be pulling any stunts like this again. Listening to her was the worst mistake of my life, and I can guarantee that this will not happen again.” Miles then went on to rant about how cancerous children could be more “self-sufficient” and that his cafeteria employment initiative was “worth looking into.”

He also made several more controversial statements, which will not be discussed in this article, as we do believe that cancer is a legitimate disease that is not part of any conspiracies. Mike Miles declined to comment, threatening one reporter with the promise of finding a way to make cancer contagious using the money that he would win from suing the Breast Cancer Research Foundation. His attempt to sue was shot down in court, setting a new record for the smallest amount of time spent on one court case.